Oh how much can change in a year.
Divorce.
It's an ugly word, especially to Mormons that believe that if they do everything according "to plan" that a happy successful family is guaranteed and insured by God. I certainly felt that way; I got baptized, got the priesthood, went on a mission, and got married in the temple. Then, I got a divorce.
"Excuse me God but I'd like for you to review this certificate of authenticity..."
...
"Exactly, I knew that there must be some mistake so can you please get on that immediately."
...
"Okay, I'll go see Gabriel in customer service and we'll get that straightened out."
Sadly, it was not to be and the reality is divorce.
We Mormons have an interesting relationship with divorce. As I was beginning this terrible process and moving home my social life became nearly non-existant. I'd been married for two years so I didn't have too many single friends and I didn't see the married friends that I'd spent the most times with because I was too busy being a broken recluse living in my parents house. When I did see them though we'd have our brief conversations that were awkward and ended quickly, and I would be haunted by the look in their eyes that practically screamed "You are a living embodiment of the worst failure I fear in this life."
I felt judged, all the time. I felt like a failure in more ways than one. After all, we have these wonderful gospel gems like this one to provide support and reassurance to us in these trying times.
"No other success can compensate for failure in the home."
- David O. McKay
I do not want to beat a dead horse, and I couldn't begin to describe this to the point of understanding without giving the appearance of beating said dead horse so allow me to just say: The emotional, spiritual, psychological, and even physical trauma of divorce is more pain than I ever thought I would be called on to bear, and more pain than I thought myself capable of bearing.
My lowest point came one evening a couple of weeks after the separation. I was taking a shower and behind the safety of the locked door and under cover of the sound of the running water I let myself cry. I was crying a lot over these months , all the time actually, so I really ought to say I let myself sob. So I am standing in the shower sobbing my guts out and I am so emotionally exhausted that I am physically overwhelmed and collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor of the bathtub. I lie there as the hot water runs out and I'm being sprayed with icy cold water and don't give a damn. In fact, as I think back, beyond somehow cerebrally knowing that the water was cold and probably uncomfortable I was too numb and lost in my pain to care.
Now, I suppose some of you (if there are any of you) reading this may be wondering why I'm telling you this. Maybe it's because I think that divorce is a reality that is conveniently ignored (for the most part) in the church and thus the people unfortunate enough to have to go through it are left relatively lost and unsupported in what is very possibly their time of greatest need. Maybe it's because I've heard some of the rumors about me, and the speculation on the underlying reasons for my divorce. Without exception, the rumors and speculation were wildly off base and hurtful. Another reason is that this is part of me trying to come to terms with an event that has impacted my life permanent way.
More thoughts later, maybe in another year.
